When Nobody Dies: Understanding Non-Death Losses
Grief and loss are universal human experiences, and for many of us, grief is nearly synonymous with death. Dying is a fact of life.
As much as we might prefer to avoid this uncomfortable truth in our death-phobic culture, we will all lose loved ones to death in our lifetimes. (As the Flaming Lips famously sang, “Everyone you know someday will die.”)
And when a loved one dies, we grieve.
But life is also full of losses that don’t include death. Common examples of non-death losses include: loss of a job, loss of a relationship due to breakup or divorce, moving to a new city, graduating from school, retirement, or becoming an empty nester. We grieve these losses, too.
When we’re experiencing a non-death loss, an important time in our lives is ending, and we’re not yet sure what the future holds. We may long for a past that was easier, happier, more purposeful, or more carefree. We may struggle with uncertainty about what will come next.
Even our sense of identity may shift during these times of profound change and transition.
Non-death losses can lead to symptoms of grief just like grieving a loved one. Common experiences include longing for what was lost, lingering feelings of sadness, crying spells, loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, or withdrawing from friends and family.
Yet because grief due to non-death losses is not yet widely recognized, we may have trouble finding acknowledgement, validation, or support for our experiences. This can result in disenfranchised grief, a painful and isolating form of grief that can deepen our suffering.
Today I’d like to highlight three examples of non-death losses leading to grief which I treat in my therapy practice: grief due to estrangement, grief due to caregiver stress, and grief due to a change in health status.
Grief due to estrangement
Grief due to estrangement is an example of a “living loss” in which a person has not died, but the relationship has been altered or lost. This can happen gradually or all at once when one person chooses to create more distance within or separate completely from the relationship.
Many of my clients have experienced some form of estrangement, sometimes described as cutting off or being cut out of a relationship with a family member such as a parent or sibling. While someone may choose estrangement for a variety of valid and even healthy reasons, it can still be an incredibly painful process.
Regardless of who initiated it, a person experiencing estrangement may feel guilt, shame, resentment, or regret as well as common grief reactions like sadness and anger. They may also struggle with the uncertainty of ambiguous loss, where there is the potential for healing or reconciliation in the relationship, but this outcome is uncertain.
Grief due to caregiver stress
Caregivers can experience a unique form of grief related to a loved one’s chronic illness or disability. Besides managing their day-to-day responsibilities, caregivers may be mourning the gradual loss of a loved one’s abilities, personality, or aspects of the relationship that have changed.
For example, a person caring for a partner with dementia might mourn the loss of shared intellectual pursuits or the reciprocity of deep emotional intimacy which they once enjoyed.
Sometimes this mourning can take the form of anticipatory grief, such as when an illness is progressive or terminal. In other cases a caregiver might mourn the relationship they wanted but never had, as in the case of a parent caring for an adult child with disabilities who will never be fully independent.
Caregivers often have strong feelings of guilt about their grief, since these sentiments may be difficult to express publicly for fear of being shamed, rejected, misunderstood. This experience is an example of disenfranchised grief.
Grief due to change in health status
A change in health status can also trigger a grief reaction, especially when the change is permanent or the future prognosis is uncertain. Being diagnosed with a chronic illness (such as an autoimmune disorder), experiencing a gradual or sudden loss of sensory function (such as vision or hearing loss), or sustaining disabling injuries (such as from a car accident) are all examples of health-related losses that can lead to grief.
Adjusting to a change in health status can bring up strong feelings of shock, anger, and sadness as a person must confront a new reality that may include physical limitations, loss of independence, and a major re-envisioning of future plans, as well as shifts in identity.
To sum it up, grief due to non-death losses can be just as significant and impactful as grief when a loved one dies. In some ways, this type of grief can be more challenging, since the grieving period may be more prolonged, more open-ended, and less socially recognized compared to grieving the death of a loved one. In the absence of a funeral or memorial service, many people – no matter how well-intentioned – may not know how to offer support.
If you’re experiencing grief due to a non-death loss, it’s important to honor your loss as valid and accept that you are grieving. Your grief is real and you deserve support, too.
Consider working with a licensed therapist who specializes in grief to get the individualized and empathetic support you need to process your loss and move through your grieving process.
With the right care and support, grief recovery from non-death losses is totally possible. Your grief is an opportunity for healing, transformation, and growth, and it’s just the beginning of the next chapter in your story.
If you’d like to talk about how I can support you on your grief journey with individual therapy, please reach out and schedule a free consultation. I look forward to connecting with you soon.