It’s Complicated! Breaking Down Grief Terminology

One of my favorite grief books is The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Frances Weller. In the book, Weller shares his framework for the “Five Gates of Grief.” The Five Gates are: 

Gate 1: Everything we love we will lose

Gate 2: The places that have not known love

Gate 3: The sorrows of the world

Gate 4: What we expected and did not receive

Gate 5: The sorrows of the world

For me, it was powerful to learn that all of us carry grief as we move through life. Grief is not limited to losing a loved one to death. And in today’s turbulent world, marked by a climate crisis and growing social inequalities, some of our grief is not only personal, but collective. 

Today I’d like to share with you some of the most common forms of grief. As you read, remember to breathe and pay attention to the emotions, sensations, and memories that arise. 

What types of grief can you relate to? Are you carrying any grief now? I invite you to meet yourself, and your grief, with self-compassion as you read on… 

8 Common Types of Grief

1.Complicated Grief

When normal grief symptoms (such as frequent crying, ruminating about the loss, or feelings of guilt) do not improve over time, but linger or get worse, this can signal the presence of complicated grief. 

When grief is interfering with your life and making it difficult to function a year or more after the loss, you may benefit from professional support.

2. Disenfranchised Grief

Our experience of grief is shaped by many factors, including how our loved ones, community, and society as a whole respond to our grief. Disenfranchised grief can occur when a loss is invisible, hidden, or not socially sanctioned or supported. 

For example, some partners of gay men who died during the AIDS crisis of the 1980s and 1990s – an era when there was far less public support for LGBTQ+ relationships – suffered from disenfranchised grief. 

3. Anticipatory Grief

Sometimes we may find ourselves grieving before a loss occurs, an experience known as anticipatory grief. When a loved one or pet is chronically or terminally ill, we may start to experience grief symptoms such as intense sadness and preoccupation with the eventual death. 

Anticipatory grief is also a common response to non-death losses, like preparing to graduate and move to a new city, or retiring and becoming an empty nester. 

This surprisingly common type of grief can be challenging to navigate. But when met with an open mind and compassionate support, it can also be a meaningful time to reflect and prepare for the loss while enjoying life’s precious moments. 

4. Ambiguous Loss

At times we may experience a subtle type of grief called ambiguous loss. This is a common response to a change in a relationship when a loved one is physically present but no longer emotionally available, for instance due to dementia, mental illness, or addiction. It can apply to any loss where there is a lack of emotional closure or resolution. 

We might experience ambiguous loss due to grieving a relationship we never had, such as a warm and loving relationship with a parent, or the opportunity to become a parent ourselves. It is important to honor the profound pain of ambiguous loss, even (and especially!) when this loss is invisible or not recognized by others. 

5. Traumatic Grief

When a loved one dies suddenly or unexpectedly, for example, as a result of violence or natural disaster, or through suicide or overdose, we can experience traumatic grief. 

Left untreated, traumatic grief can lead to symptoms of post-traumatic stress-disorder (PTSD), and so it is essential for people suffering from traumatic grief to receive professional care and support. 

6. Delayed Grief

Sometimes our grief response is delayed, and this type of grief is normal and common. Immediately after a loss, we may feel overwhelmed and numb, unable to truly feel our feelings. 

We might be so caught up in the aftermath of a loved one’s death (funeral planning, dealing with financial and legal matters, etc.) that we are unable to fully grieve until after the initial storm has passed. 

If you think you may be experiencing delayed grief, know that there is nothing wrong with you! There is no prescribed timeline for grief, and you can trust in your mind and body’s ability to heal at your own pace.

That being said, it can be helpful to have gentle guidance and support from a therapist as you begin to process your grief. 

7. Cumulative Grief

There are times in life when losses seem to occur one after the other, with little relief or time to process. Examples of cumulative grief include several family members dying in a short period of time, or experiencing the death of a loved one while simultaneously going through a breakup and getting a new medical diagnosis. 

Just as it sounds, cumulative grief can be overwhelming and exhausting, and it’s critical to take time for yourself and prioritize your own wellbeing during this difficult time. 

8. Collective Grief

More and more people are talking about collective grief these days. Personally, I think this is a good thing! More than ever, we are waking up to the many ways our lives are being shaped by grief at the collective or societal level. 

Examples of collective grief include grieving over the traumatic reality of racialized violence in the United States; grieving the loss of loved ones and social connections during the Covid-19 pandemic; and grieving the losses of wildlife and green space, and the advent of more unpredictable weather patterns due to the climate crisis. None of us is exempt from collective grief. 

The good news? We’re finally learning that grief is not just a private, personal problem. We can – and must – find ways to come together to heal and support each other as we navigate life’s changes and transitions. 

Conclusion

Today we’ve explored some but by no means all of the many types of grief. No two people grieve alike, so it’s fair to say that there are as many ways to experience grief as there are human beings on the planet. 

We will, almost certainly, experience more than one type of grief during our lifetimes. Sometimes, we will even experience multiple forms of grief at once. 

Consider: How can you attend to your grief with more awareness and self-compassion? What types of support might help you navigate your grief with more ease?

If you would like to explore how professional support from a licensed therapist might help you and your grief, please schedule a free consultation here. I would be honored to hear from you.