Grief and the Parable of the Mustard Seed

In my next few blog posts, I’ll be sharing how elements from the Buddhist teachings can help us understand and heal from grief and loss. Whatever your religious or spiritual background, I believe these teachings contain universal truths that can help us move through our suffering with more kindness, clarity, and acceptance.

A Buddhist Teaching Story About Grief

A popular tale from the time of the Buddha is the story of Kisa Gotami. Kisa Gotami was a young woman from a poor family whose only child, a little boy, died unexpectedly. In shock and unable to comprehend her son’s sudden death, Kisa Gotami wandered from house to house in her village, cradling her dead son’s body in her arms and beseeching the townspeople for some medicine that would restore her son to health. 

Kisa Gotami’s neighbors gently explained that her son was dead, that nothing could be done, and she must go to the cemetery and bury the body. But Kisa Gotami in her extreme sorrow and anguish was unable to accept the reality of her son’s death. Finally, a village elder suggested that Kisa Gotami pay a visit to the Buddha, who might have some medicine that could help.

Kisa Gotami had heard that the Buddha was a great teacher, and full of hope she hurried off to see what the Buddha could do for her son. The Buddha calmly listened to Kisa Gotami’s story, and then he replied: “I do have some medicine for you. But you will need to bring me a mustard seed from a house where no one has died, a house where no one has lost a loved one.” 

Kisa Gotami, knowing that mustard seed was plentiful in the homes of her village, quickly agreed. She traveled near and far, knocking on doors and asking each one who answered if they could spare some mustard seed. Yet when she asked whether that household had been touched by death, each soon replied that yes, an elderly grandfather had died last year, or a young mother recently died in childbirth, or a baby had died after a short illness. No household had been spared. 

In her grief, Kisa Gotami gradually began to comprehend that death is universal. She began to accept the reality of her son’s death, and she began to see that she was not alone in her suffering. She was just one among many grieving parents; and while the pain of her tragic loss was still present, she was able to lovingly bury her son. Having received the medicine of the Buddha’s teaching on impermanence, Kisa Gotami went on to attain high levels of spiritual awakening. 

Breaking our Denial 

In the Buddhist tradition, we are encouraged to meditate and reflect on the truth of impermanence. One of the “four reminders,” also known as the four thoughts that transform the mind, impermanence reminds us that all things, good or bad, happy or sad, are subject to change and loss. Nothing lasts forever, and nothing stays the same. 

We can see evidence of impermanence all around us. A parent’s hair becomes whiter with each passing year, and we begin to discover our own gray hairs. A friend’s sweet new baby is now a strong-willed toddler. Summer gives way to autumn, and the green leaves of the sycamore trees turn brown and fall to the sidewalk. Pumpkin spice is in the air.

Yet we often deny the reality of impermanence, expecting people, places, things, and even ourselves to remain the same – season after season, year after year, fixed and unchanging. While it’s natural and healthy to grieve the deaths of our loved ones, and life’s many other losses, our denial actually makes us suffer more. 

Opening to Grief

Like Kisa Gotami, our denial of death may prevent us from grieving fully and honoring the depths of our sorrow. And when we don’t allow our grief to be felt and expressed, we can block ourselves from fully living and appreciating the beauty and preciousness of life.

Many of my clients come to therapy after weeks, months, or years of unexpressed grief. Some report that they have effectively “put a lid” on their strong emotions, afraid that if they allow themselves to feel these feelings, they will become overwhelmed or even “explode” into a million pieces. 

Yet what I have seen time and again is that allowing ourselves to experience these painful emotions in the presence of a caring and compassionate witness does not destroy us. Instead, it works a kind of magic that finally helps us to heal. We break out of our isolation and discover a strength inside us we didn’t know we had. 

Touching our Common Humanity

The story of Kisa Gotami powerfully illustrates the universality of grief. Not a single household in her village was untouched by death and loss, and so it is in our neighborhoods and communities, too. Recognizing that everyone grieves does not diminish our own personal pain, but rather connects us to the vast stream of humanity, past, present, and future, with whom we share a common experience. 

In her foundational work on self-compassion, psychologist and researcher Kristin Neff identifies three core elements: mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity. When we can be present with our own experience and treat ourselves with kindness, we can begin to experience a wider perspective, which is that we are not alone in our suffering. 

If you are struggling with grief or another intense emotion, consider that there are others all over the world, or even in the same city block, who are feeling a similar way. Imagine that there is an energetic connection between them and you. Imagine that you are able to witness and support each other in your grief. As you breathe in, feel that sense of kinship; as you breathe out, send a wish that suffering – yours and theirs – will lessen over time. 

Mindfulness-Based Grief Therapy
Sometimes it is helpful to work one-on-one with a therapist to process grief and the many strong emotions that can arise after a loss. If you would like to explore how mindfulness-based therapy can help you develop more acceptance and self-compassion during your grief journey, please reach out. There is life after loss, and you are not alone.